So it’s day 4 since I “stopped using”. Went completely cold turkey and I won’t lie, today is just as hard as the first day. There’s been the usual things you expect to happen. The hallucinating, thinking people are trying to speak to you when they’re just not. The cold sweats, the anxiety. I guess it’s the social element that I find the hardest. When you’re out with friends and you light it up, get your fix so to speak. You just feel powerful, in control, like you can do anything. Maybe that’s what it is. Control..although who’s really in control..? I used to say I could give up anytime, I don’t need to reach for it first thing in the morning, last thing at night. Straight after dinner, sometimes during dinner! “I can give up if I want” I’d say, “I don’t need it”.
There’s lots of studies that say giving up helps you sleep better. If I’m honest I think they’re right, I slept like a baby the other night, better than I have for ages. So why the hell am I so grouchy then!?! Another side effect I guess, others that have given up will say the same. Really tetchy, shouting at people for no reason, being short tempered. I’m just not myself!! They say it gets better but I don’t know if I can cope with it. I don’t know if my family can cope with it!! It’s just making it so difficult to communicate, or maybe they don’t want to communicate with me, that’s probably more like it.
People put on weight when they give up don’t they? That won’t be a good look for me, short AND fat! I guess it’s something to do with the fact you’ve nothing to do with your hands. They’re used to holding something so you reach for food instead. And the worse kind of food, comfort food. Don’t light it up, have a cake instead! I don’t know if I can keep this up. Besides, the whole thing was forced upon me I can’t lie, I was drunk, again, and when I got home that was it! No more, I thought.
I can’t deny, it has been slightly enlightening. I’m noticing things I never saw before, taking in more of the world around me. Making extra efforts to chat to different people not just the usual (whats app) group I hang around with.
But you know what, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought now. It’s too stressful. My new SIM card arrives tomorrow and if you need to get hold of me in the meantime, call me on the landline - +44 (0) 20 3862 2859.
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